A boy was swimming carefully in an overly large pipe and swam to a gap in the pipe and looked out and it was a room of loot it had so much loot a lounge and a bed with a leprechaun with his green horse and he said wow and the leprechaun kicked him in the right eye. And the boy reached in and got$22,0000 and went and bought a Bugatti veyron and 105 Ipad mini 3 and 200 iPhone 6 + and he went and told his mum and she's said show me now you awesome little boy.mum bought a new car.
Mr Collard Team 100
17/3/2015 02:02:11 am
Lots of action and excitement in yiur writing Connor, well done! You have used some really good adjectives and verbs to describe what is going on. However, it is quite difficult to follow because you haven't used many full stops just lots of ands. Next time, try to keep a sentence as long as one idea. Eg. A boy was swimming to an overly large pipe and swam down to a gap. He looked out. His eyes were wide, he was staring into a room full of loot.
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